Have you seen this article: 19 Rookie Mistakes Parents Make.
I was laughing out loud when I read this! I could totally relate to most of them, so I thought I’d share a few of my stories that are inspired by their list.
Diaper Explosion- in the Worst.Place.Ever.
Much like the Titanic video, I have a poop explosion story for ya. When my first daughter was five months old we went to Italy. On the way there I was that over-prepared mama who had a week’s worth of clothes, diapers and all sorts of things I didn’t need for the baby. She slept the entire way out and barely even needed a diaper change the entire time.
On the way home, I thought it would be nice to travel light this time since she obviously doesn’t need so much. As the plane ascended…baby let it all go. There was poop everywhere: up her back, down her pants, and all over me. In all my wisdom, I didn’t even bring a change of clothes for the baby! (Bang head against lavatory wall.)
I rinsed out her clothes and changed her in the bathroom then went back to my seat and hung the clothes to dry on the little seat pocket in front of me. I wrapped her in a sweater and blanket until the clothes dried. Ultimate FAIL!
A Fool-Proof Way to Clip Baby Nails
Most people think this is gross, but my mother (who is also a family doctor) told me just to nibble baby nails off. I just suck on those cute little fingers when baby is asleep and gently nibble the long nails off. It’s not gross to me, and it’s super easy. No blood!
I’m actually surprised I haven’t been kicked out of TJ’s or questioned by authorities after taking my three kids shopping. My oldest monkey child has pulled the whole cart over sideways and onto herself twice now…each time with me panicking and screaming “Are you okay??!!! I told you to stop climbing on the cart!!!” with the whole store watching me.
And what’s with those mini kid carts?! By the time they’re able to avoid running into the nasty woman who sneers at me for having the audacity to bring children to a grocery store (imagine that!), the kids are too old to even want to use the dumb little cart. At least TJ’s doesn’t have those embarrassing monster-6-kid-capacity racecar carts like the supermarkets have, which my kids BEG me to use when we occasionally have to go to a supermarket.
Yes you can avoid pregnancy if you’re breastfeeding…BUT
…only if you’re breastfeeding at least 30 times per day, and some women could breastfeed 100 times per day and still start ovulating only a few months after their baby is born (like me). In Garden of Fertility you can learn about how this all works, but if you want to avoid a pregnancy while breastfeeding (and I suggest you do- keep babies spaced out for optimal health) then use protection or get charting right away!
How Many Times A Day (and Night) Do You Check If Your Baby’s Breathing (or Still Warm)?
Morbid, I know, but I constantly am doing this with all my kids…not just the baby. I’ve definitely freaked out and woken up my (older) kids a few times.
When My Baby Fell Off The Bed
Yes, this happened to me during a diaper change when my freakishly active 10 week old baby rolled herself off the bed while I walked to the dresser to get more wipes. I was home alone and starting screaming and panicking. I checked every centimeter of her body and called my mom crying. The baby was totally fine. It happened twice more with her as she got older- always in a freak accident way. Never with the next kid, though.
Forgetting To Pack Your Child A Change Of Clothes
See my first point.
On Avoiding Projectile Spit Up
When my first little one arrived I remember thinking, “She’s so perfect…she doesn’t have gas…I don’t need to burp her.” After a few days my mom was visiting and asked me why I wasn’t burping the baby after feeding her. I went ahead and burped her finally and she blasted a spit-up rocket stream across the living room. I guess mama always knows best.
Our Wild Animal Technique of Potty Training
My best potty training advice? Let your kid be naked a lot. We read diaper-free baby and while this isn’t necessarily the technique outlined in the book, we let our kids run around in their birthday suits so that they could pay attention to when they went to the bathroom. Both our girls were fully diaper free before their 2nd birthdays. With a yard so close to the living room door, baby #1 would pop a squat on the grass whenever she had to go. We didn’t have many visitors at that time in our lives. We didn’t have to break a diaper habit, we had to break a “wee wee on the grass” habit. I guess we were a little more civilized with baby #2 and used an actual kid potty.
Girls Can Mess Up a Diaper Change As Much As Boys Can
You’d think by my third kid I’d know to be cautious during diaper changes. A few weeks ago our newborn was getting a diaper change by both of us (I don’t know why). It was one of our first outings, so I had some nice clothes on and we were ready to get out the door once this diaper was changed. Suddenly her tummy grumbled and she blasted a gassy poop into the air and it splattered all over me and my husband. Yes, young friends who don’t have kids yet…you, too, will have plenty of poop stories to share.
You know you’re a parent of young children when…
The first thing you do when you sit at a table is shove everything on it to the side corner, three feet away from the reach of any and all children. Every time the server comes to the table you awkwardly grab whatever they are bringing and add it to the pile in the corner of the table. It’s quite amazing how swiftly my kids can knock a glass of water or plate of food onto my lap. I’ve gotten very used to the sudden rush of hot food or freezing ice water on my lap and soaking into my clothing. Why is it always when we’re out?!
Staying up late for no good reason after your baby has gone down for the night.
YES! I can’t totally attest to this one. I know the best advice is to “sleep when they sleep”, but once you become a parent you live for those few private moments in the bathroom or that amazing moment when they’re all ASLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!
Leaving home and then realizing you didn’t bring enough diapers.
See my first point…again.
That photo at the top is our 8 week old baby Rivka! The time flies!!!
Want to laugh some more? This is quite possibly the funniest tumblr a parent could ever find.